Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Top Chef Recap : Maybe this IS Top Pussy

So the very bittersweet end of Top Chef. With Fabio gone, I find writing this recaps a little harder since I don't have his nonsensical idioms to carry me. I guess this will be a true testament to my blogging, huh?

I've been through a lot of ups and downs with TC NY - I was excited for the finale but also am crapping myself thinking about not having this to watch every Wednesday. It's surprising what a pint of Ben and Jerry's and an episode of Top Chef can do for my mood.

We have all been on an emotional rollercoaster with this season - we watched Jill cook the dumbest thing possible - an ostrich egg. We watched the Foo Fighters pretend to know stuff about food. We watched Arianne jump up and down pantless at the Superbowl Challenge. We watched Fabio and Stefan fall in love but Stefan secretly have inappropriate hate homoeroticism towards Hosea. We watched Hosea and Leah play big spoon/little spoon (if spoons made out and cheated on their significant others) . AND we have been wondering for , oh about 3 weeks now, what the hell Carla modeled.

Nonetheless, the finale is something I've been stoked for for a few weeks now. The contestants are still in the big easy and the opening scene is Carla doing the upward dog yoga position directly in front of the camera. From that angle she looks like a happy, deranged, snake. I like it. Stefan mentions that Team Europe is broken up and he hates Hosea, blah blah blah. We get it! You want the camera crew to turn off the cameras so you can do him in butt. Let's move on.

Tom, Padma, and the infamous knife block are waiting for them. If you watch TC regularly, you'll know that the special sous-chefs are about to march on out. Will it be Celeb Chefs? Fabio? Nope, it's 2nd runner ups from previous season. Fuck man - there's Marcel or as I call him "Foam". Along with Foam are Casey and Richard. All likable except for Crazy "I'm not your bitch, bitch!" Marcel. Hosea gets to pick first and picks Richard. Stefan picks next and chooses Foam saying "he's a good chef - kind of a twat, but who's not?" - I think that may be the wisest thing anyone's ever said and television.

The challenge is to cook the best 3-course meal of their lives - dessert not necessary. Alright simple enough. The Cheftestants and the sous-chefs ransack the kitchen for proteins. Hosea runs in and literally grabs as much as his arms can hold to, let's face it, screw over his boyfriend Stefan. Stefan of course, gets totally pissed about the Foie Gras and Caviar. Nice steals Hosea.

Meanwhile, Carla is wanting to make a meat and potatoes dish. Casey seems to be driving this ship, telling her to sous-vide her meat. Carla has never heard of it and I'm wondering if this is gonna come to bit her in the ass later.

Tom comes back a little later with the inevitable twist - one more course! Well duh, they do this on every Bravo show.. circa Project Runway and Fashion Week. Was there any real surprise? The only big shocker is the protein they have to work with - either crab, red fish, or.. alligator? Sick... that is a real whole alligator! They have to pick pieces of a the king cake and whoever gets the baby wins. I doubt an irresponsible one-night stand guy would agree but hey, whatever.

Hosea gets the baby and takes the opportunity to stick it to Stefan - it's alligator time in Europe! Hosea gives the finger and Bravo blurs it out. Really though? You can't show the middle finger but you can let Fabio say "Top Pussy"? Sure thing.

Stefan makes the best out of his reptile and makes an alligator soup out of the tail. It's sicking me out. Seriously, it's a whole alligator. Both Stefan and Carla choose to make desserts. Carla lets Casey talk her into making a blue cheese souffle. Wow, that's bold. A souffle sounds like a risky and potentially bad choice. I wonder if Carla fanatics everywhere are making a voodoo doll of Casey and poking it repeatedly in the vagina.

The judges and guests are introduced - theres Rocco! FABIO!!! THERE's FABIO! OMGGGGGG I'VE MISSED YOU! Toby "Douchebag" Young is back. And oh hey, a random jazz musician. What's that guy doing here. What, Emeril couldn't make it? BAM!

The food is all served simultaneously - the editing makes it impossible to tell who likes what and everything appears to be neck and neck through the ceviche/carppachio dish. Josea's seasoning is blah, and Stefan's frozen/sliced carpacchio is watery. Alright. Go Carla! Might have spoke too soon though because the sous-vide beef was a mistake. The sirloin was tough and the judges saw right through the fact that Carla didn't come up with this cooking method on her own (feel free to continue to vag-poke Casey's voodoo doll). Meanwhile, the Jazz player is making awkward non-descript commentary and saying "foie gras" excessively. Not to mention, mispronouncing it. At this point I'm questioning how not autistic he is.

Stefan serves his squab and the judges so coo-coo for it. They loooove it! On the last course, Carla realizes her souffle is too hot and is bubbling - she chooses to scrap the souffle aspect and just basically serves an apple tart. This isn't going well for her. Hosea, the only person who didn't choose to do a dessert serves an apparently deliciously venison. The judges ask Fabio who they think did a better job. You can see Fabio is completely torn between how good the venison was and how much he loved team Europe. Instead of a hamster wheel inside of Fabio's head, I imagine Super Mario running back and forth frantically. He admits that the Venison is better and in my opinion, there goes Stefan's win.

At judges table, the grill the chetestants on their choices. Carla starts to tear up when they have to tell the judges why they should be the next top chef. I think she knows she fucked up by listening to Casey. Stefan obviously feels horrible and I see him actually acting like a human being and walks over to comfort her. At this point, I know Carla is not going to win and by Stefan being sweet to her, I start to silently pull for his win. Hosea has been annoying me for about half a season now and I'm over it.

The judges send them away and right away, they discount Carla. I feel bad - she pulled a Richard and just fucked the fuck up on the last challenge. RIP Carla. They discuss the pros and cons of dessert and I can tell they are leaning towards Hosea.

Padma brings the chefs back in and they are ready to announce the winner --- congratulations... HOSEA?! I yell fuck shitty fuck fuck fuck at my TV and immediately get 30 texts about how disappointing the results are. Uh, ya think? Best Season, WORST result. blah. So let me get this straight, Hosea gets to make out with Leah and win Top Chef? Someone sure drew the long straw.

Alright, next week is the tell all - I'm looking forward to Fabio winning Fan Favorite - hopefully. Cmon Bravo - redeem yourself somehow!

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