Top Chef Recap : Frowney Face

So I wake up in the morning with a huge smile on my face.. yes, it's Top Chef Wednesday! WOOHOOO! Or should I say "Hootie Hoo!"

Before it even starts, I'm thinking about Emeril and how he like to kick things up a notch constantly and then got worried that I'm the Sambal/Sriracha version of Emeril? I literally want to put it on everything. Should I come up with a catch pharse like BAM!? Maybe like.. Whomp - there it is?

Anyways, the show starts and I'm thinking, okay, Hosea may please leave. I love Carla and Fabio, and Stefan is too good even though he's an asshat, so the cheating baldie may be dismissed. They arrive at the Big Easy airport. Fabio is sporting a faux-hawk and a punchy pink scarf. This dude really likes to push the envelope of fashion. Maybe he got some tips from America's Next Top Carla.

Carla comes back with a barfalicious pink trench and straight hair - now there's the model that no one would sign! She immediately starts acting insane and dancing to crazy New Orleans music - doing a jerky chicken dance with a simultaneous "raise the roof" motion. I'm genuinely so happy to see her.

Stefan says "hi" to everyone and by "hi" I mean it looks like he is trying to makeout with Hosea. See? Here's the hate fuck shit I was talking about in the last recap. I can't wait for the porn video they make - I'm sure it'll be called something like "Baldies Gone Wild" or "Top Cum Shot"

They arrive at the QF Challenge where Padma, Tommy C., and Emeril are awaiting. Observant Carla realizes there are only 3 tables. Padma reveals there is a QF Challenge.. just not for them. Jamie, Jeff, and Leah are back! They are going to compete to get back into the competition and make it to the finale. I hate when shows do this. It's like fuck you. They left and I've made my peace - why do you have to do this? Do you know how long it took me to get over this? My husband, Fabio, clearly agrees as he says "GEEZ! Gimme a break!" I totes agree - we are perfect for each other...

Hosea is like ....awkward... Leah is back. Awkward we made out and I pretended to regret it. Awkward, she was making the bed in that last episode and everyone saw her boobs.

The QF Challenge is to create something with crawfish - Leah, surprise, has never made anything with crawfish. Remember how horrible she is with seafood? She's fucked. At this point I expect Jeff to make something with a million components and for Jamie to ask for scallops instead of crawfish. Jeff ends up making grits and says that he wishes Carla was his judge since she loves grits. Hey, we do too! That would be something I would pay to see.

The judges go around and taste the food - Jamie can't stop explaining her dish and why she did stuff. Ugh, I forgot how freakin annoying and negative she is. She was like, I felt like throwing up when I found out I had to compete again. Well duh, what the hell did you think this was? How about Thank you for bringing me back since I'm awful?

Man, I want Jeff to make it. His hair is so shiny and pretty. Also, I think he's hilariously metro.

The judges taste the food with a poker face. Let it be Jeff, Let it be Jeff, Let it be Jeff... IT's JEFF! WOO HOO! Emeril gives him a copy of "Emeril at the Grill"... um great? Are you sure you don't want to save the $19.95 and trip to Barnes and Noble? Thanks I guess?

Padma drops the bomb that for Jeff to go to the finale he most WIN the elimination challenge. Yikes. God Speed Jeffrey.

The (now) 5 chefs find out that their elimintation challenge is to cook at a Masquerade Ball - 2 dishes and a cocktail. I always get nervous about the catering shit since they have to transport their food to the event. Don't worry though - they have Glad containers. I think the advertising is working cause now I want 100.

The 5 Cheftestants go to dinner - no doy, Stefan and Hosea go at it. Stefan says it's not a butt rubbing contest. Wait, WHAAAAAAAAAAA?! Damnit. I've been watching the wrong show this whole time!? This isn't Top Butt Rub?

During the commericial break we find out that Fabio loves to cross-dress. Actually, YOU ALL knew that already due to my super informative blog and the pic I posted earlier this afternoon. He says it takes real balls to dress like a woman. How's that for an oxymoron world?

In the kitchen, the Chefs get to work. Jeff chooses to make sausage from scratch while I'm screaming at the TV, wondering why he would ever do something with so many effing steps. C'mon pretty boy! Have you learned nothing from TC? Fabio and his Mohawk are making 3 things and a cocktail - a Maque Choux, Pasta with Crayfish, and Bread. Both baldies are in a weird tete-a-tete gumbo war. While everyone is running around, Stefan is outside with a pack of Marlboros. Apparently he wants emphysema more than he wants the title of Top Chef. He's also annoying Hosea by holding up a droopy long sausage and asking him what it reminds him of. I want to tell him, a lot of things. Thanks for bringing back those memories buddy.

Tom comes in and asks his typical questions and is condescending and gives everyone negative and dubious looks. When did good ol' Tommy C get so negs? Jamie? Is that you?

Carla is shucking her face off since she doesn't know she can steam those suckers to open them up (even I know that). She also mentions that she doesn't drink and she's making a cranberry spritzer. Hang on - she doesn't drink? Why is so freaking weird then? All my theories are out the window. Maybe she's a recovering alcoholic. Or maybe Alcohol has a reverse effect on her. Like, when she drinks it, instead of blacking out and being crazy, she sits calmly and has normal conversations.

The judges arrive and as per usual, Padma's cleavage looks ready to judge. Oh! And there's Gail! I'm excited but apparently Carla is more excited -she's like giddy and saying "Girl! I love you!"

Everyone goes back to their last minute prep - Carla is just fucking giving away her equipment and still frantically shucking oysters. For the first time ever she seems semi-annoyed and asks for help. Stefan is like "Just a minute honey!" and Carla is like "That's what all men say - just a minute honey." Those are some daddy issues this IBP blogger is not going to touch.

The guest start to arrive and Fabio's crotch starts to get aroused - apparently the masquerade masks remind of him of old pornos. You know what else probably reminds him of old pornos? New pornos. That he watches. All the time.

The judges go around and taste the food - they have nothing but good things to say about everyones food. I guess that's what happens when Toby Young leaves the show. I know Fabio is fucked because Emeril thinks his food needs more heat. At this point I want to kick Emeril's face up a notch (through murder) and my palms are sweaty. They are going crazy for all the gumbo - I'm gonna need to seek out some good gumbo in the city see what all the fuss is about.

Back at Judges Table, Tom points out that Stefan seemed really cocky in the kitchen. Stefan goes "that's cause I'm a dick and whatever happens happens" (I added the "that's cause I'm a dick" part). They announce that Carla is the winner - she wins that Toyota! She's so touched that she starts to cry and for the first time acts normal. Who knew Carla had so many levels? Peel the onion girl, peel the onion.

That means Jeff hasn't won and he has to leave. I watch his golden hair leave the judge's table one last time. Bye Jeffrey...

Hosea is safe - he is in the finals. Fuck, this leaves my love Fabio and Stefan. I know Stefan won't go even though he deserves it. I silently pray to the food gods hoping for a pardon but as suspected, Fabio - please pack your knives and go.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

If you were to tell me that my heart would be broken by a man named Fabio, I never would have believed you. But alas, it has been. Fabio.. baby - I will be wearing your tshirt on finale night and will root for you for the Fan Favorite. xoxoxo forever...