Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Cookin' for America - TC Style

So episode three – sorry guys. I shit the bed on Episode two. And then I read Eater’s recap and my mind felt tainted. I didn’t want to give you guys any regurgitated jokes. I’m thinking of my fellow readers here.

Anyway, the episode starts with Jesse talking about being on the bottom every single time – she really wants to prove herself. Oh yeah? That’s really original. I don’t think I’ve heard that at least once on every single episode of Top Chef in the last 6 years.

In the quickfire challenge, Padma, Mark Peel, and a mountain of potatoes great us. Mmmm Starch…

The Challenge is to create a dish featuring the potato that is “out of this world” - hold on, where is the Vegas twist on this? Is it Potato roulette? Penn & Potato? Ringling Potatos? Also no chip for $15,000 dollars.

The cheftestants start cooking - Ron compares himself making potatoes to Bob Marley and music. I would say Ron is to potatoes as Bob Marley is to pot brownies, but that’s just me.

Preeti wants to show the judges she can “do something” by putting green asparagus next to yellow potatoes? How is this proving anything other than maybe she’s not color blind? This is Top Chef, not Top Color Coordinator. This chick/dude isn’t going to last. I’m actually starting to think she has no brain cells b/c she accidentally puts her asparagus in Ashley’s pot of boiling water. (Sidenote, Preeti pronounced Gnocchi as “No-key” – this group needs to take Food Pronunciation 101). Ashley freaks the fuck out (similar to her stance against gay marriage) and I continue hating her.

Other highlights include Mike I. making a potato risotto and getting shot down by Mark Peel for it’s excessive saltiness. Ha! Take that asshole.

Jesse keeps making retarded mistakes this time for putting a ton of cayenne in her soup. This girl does not learn. Remember her overcooked chicken?

On the bottom are Eli, Ron, and Jesse. On the top are Jennifer, Ash, and Ashley… the winner? Freaking Jennifer - aka my enemy aka cevich! I don’t know why she bothers me but she does. I feel like she’s gonna win this year, which is even more infuriating. Mike I gets bent out of shape (what else is new) and says it’s favoritism. Literally he is the worst person alive. Sexist bastard

For the Elimination Challenge the Chefs must report to an airforce base to prepare a meal for 300 airmen – working as one team. Uh-oh – this should be good. Padma alludes to the fact that they don’t know what they’re cooking with and what their ingredients are. Oh, don’t bait me Top Chef and then go to commercial break.

At home, the Cheftestant convene to discuss strategy and teams. Kevin says him and Eli bond on a fat kid level so they are going to work together. God I love those two. I’m also hoping the brothers work together but they don’t. Booo.. Bryan ends up working with Mattin and Brother Michael works with Mike Asshole.

They get to the kitchen the next morning and find a bunch of canned food like Spam, Kidney beans, etc. Mattin, being a snotty Frenchmen, is not comfortable working with cans. What kind of Chef specializes in can? Chef Boyardee?

Preeti tells a retarded story about how 9-11 was the defining moment in her career. Basically she was like “ the nation suffered a terrible tragedy and the only thing that made sense was to cook”. God, I hate him/her. I know with all these crazy anecdotes focusing on him/her that he/she is probably going to be on the bottom three. This is obviously not my first episode of Top Chef.

Ron discusses his dish though I can’t understand anything he says – I wish they had subtitles like they did for Stefan last season.

Ashley is making a chocolate brioche and custard – she says “Everyone loves custard!” Well Ashley, I don’t love custard. I am offended you make me watch you make custard when I don’t love custard and custard I can’t legally get married.. Wait.. what?

Bryan is yelling at Mattin to hurry it up is kind of hot. I think I’m in love. Xoxo.

They set up and the judges arrive – along with 300 servicemen and women.

Laurine and Preeti make a pasta salad that I could have bought at Costco. Gail thinks they did a half ass job – the dish is not creative and not inspired. I mean, I could have done that. Other than that comment, I’m not sure what the judges are thinking. They either LOVE the dishes or they are like whatever.

The Cheftestants are in the stew room – Padma calls in Mike, Michael, Eli, and Kevin – clearly these are people on the top. No duh that when Kevin’s name is called, you know this is the winning group. He really can do no wrong.

Another side note, I think Tom may have a crush on Brother Mike – he was talking very enthusiastically about his bacon/pork belly dish.

They announce that Brother Mike wins the challenge with his Lettuce Taco – xoxo. I bet Tommy C. had something to do with that decision.

They ask the winning group to send in the losing group - Preeti, Laurine, and Asshole Mike … wait what? They call him back for the elimination round since his shrimp salad was disgusting. Yikes. He is super pissed. I may or may not be enjoying this too much.

Mike said he was not 100% on serving the dish and Padma tells him shouldn’t have – it was bland, not flavored, texture was weird, etc. I’m so happy and Mike is so mad. Just as it should be.

Laurine and Preeti’s pasta salad falls flat – Preeti defends her dish saying it was better than most and she thought it tasted good. Laurine says she made the dish cause she forgot about the competition. That is possibly the worst answer ever. The judges are getting aggravated. They send them out to discuss.

When the losing Cheftestants come back in, the judges announce… “ Preeti – please pack your knives and go” - she didn’t know why her food was gross and I guess that’s worse than forgetting you were in reality competition or making bland shrimp. Look at it this way – at least now we don’t have to figure out what she/he is.

Until next time! Can’t wait to see more of Beardy Kevin and Brothers. Yessssss..!!

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