Cookin' for America - TC Style

So episode three – sorry guys. I shit the bed on Episode two. And then I read Eater’s recap and my mind felt tainted. I didn’t want to give you guys any regurgitated jokes. I’m thinking of my fellow readers here.

Anyway, the episode starts with Jesse talking about being on the bottom every single time – she really wants to prove herself. Oh yeah? That’s really original. I don’t think I’ve heard that at least once on every single episode of Top Chef in the last 6 years.

In the quickfire challenge, Padma, Mark Peel, and a mountain of potatoes great us. Mmmm Starch…

The Challenge is to create a dish featuring the potato that is “out of this world” - hold on, where is the Vegas twist on this? Is it Potato roulette? Penn & Potato? Ringling Potatos? Also no chip for $15,000 dollars.

The cheftestants start cooking - Ron compares himself making potatoes to Bob Marley and music. I would say Ron is to potatoes as Bob Marley is to pot brownies, but that’s just me.

Preeti wants to show the judges she can “do something” by putting green asparagus next to yellow potatoes? How is this proving anything other than maybe she’s not color blind? This is Top Chef, not Top Color Coordinator. This chick/dude isn’t going to last. I’m actually starting to think she has no brain cells b/c she accidentally puts her asparagus in Ashley’s pot of boiling water. (Sidenote, Preeti pronounced Gnocchi as “No-key” – this group needs to take Food Pronunciation 101). Ashley freaks the fuck out (similar to her stance against gay marriage) and I continue hating her.

Other highlights include Mike I. making a potato risotto and getting shot down by Mark Peel for it’s excessive saltiness. Ha! Take that asshole.

Jesse keeps making retarded mistakes this time for putting a ton of cayenne in her soup. This girl does not learn. Remember her overcooked chicken?

On the bottom are Eli, Ron, and Jesse. On the top are Jennifer, Ash, and Ashley… the winner? Freaking Jennifer - aka my enemy aka cevich! I don’t know why she bothers me but she does. I feel like she’s gonna win this year, which is even more infuriating. Mike I gets bent out of shape (what else is new) and says it’s favoritism. Literally he is the worst person alive. Sexist bastard

For the Elimination Challenge the Chefs must report to an airforce base to prepare a meal for 300 airmen – working as one team. Uh-oh – this should be good. Padma alludes to the fact that they don’t know what they’re cooking with and what their ingredients are. Oh, don’t bait me Top Chef and then go to commercial break.

At home, the Cheftestant convene to discuss strategy and teams. Kevin says him and Eli bond on a fat kid level so they are going to work together. God I love those two. I’m also hoping the brothers work together but they don’t. Booo.. Bryan ends up working with Mattin and Brother Michael works with Mike Asshole.

They get to the kitchen the next morning and find a bunch of canned food like Spam, Kidney beans, etc. Mattin, being a snotty Frenchmen, is not comfortable working with cans. What kind of Chef specializes in can? Chef Boyardee?

Preeti tells a retarded story about how 9-11 was the defining moment in her career. Basically she was like “ the nation suffered a terrible tragedy and the only thing that made sense was to cook”. God, I hate him/her. I know with all these crazy anecdotes focusing on him/her that he/she is probably going to be on the bottom three. This is obviously not my first episode of Top Chef.

Ron discusses his dish though I can’t understand anything he says – I wish they had subtitles like they did for Stefan last season.

Ashley is making a chocolate brioche and custard – she says “Everyone loves custard!” Well Ashley, I don’t love custard. I am offended you make me watch you make custard when I don’t love custard and custard I can’t legally get married.. Wait.. what?

Bryan is yelling at Mattin to hurry it up is kind of hot. I think I’m in love. Xoxo.

They set up and the judges arrive – along with 300 servicemen and women.

Laurine and Preeti make a pasta salad that I could have bought at Costco. Gail thinks they did a half ass job – the dish is not creative and not inspired. I mean, I could have done that. Other than that comment, I’m not sure what the judges are thinking. They either LOVE the dishes or they are like whatever.

The Cheftestants are in the stew room – Padma calls in Mike, Michael, Eli, and Kevin – clearly these are people on the top. No duh that when Kevin’s name is called, you know this is the winning group. He really can do no wrong.

Another side note, I think Tom may have a crush on Brother Mike – he was talking very enthusiastically about his bacon/pork belly dish.

They announce that Brother Mike wins the challenge with his Lettuce Taco – xoxo. I bet Tommy C. had something to do with that decision.

They ask the winning group to send in the losing group - Preeti, Laurine, and Asshole Mike … wait what? They call him back for the elimination round since his shrimp salad was disgusting. Yikes. He is super pissed. I may or may not be enjoying this too much.

Mike said he was not 100% on serving the dish and Padma tells him shouldn’t have – it was bland, not flavored, texture was weird, etc. I’m so happy and Mike is so mad. Just as it should be.

Laurine and Preeti’s pasta salad falls flat – Preeti defends her dish saying it was better than most and she thought it tasted good. Laurine says she made the dish cause she forgot about the competition. That is possibly the worst answer ever. The judges are getting aggravated. They send them out to discuss.

When the losing Cheftestants come back in, the judges announce… “ Preeti – please pack your knives and go” - she didn’t know why her food was gross and I guess that’s worse than forgetting you were in reality competition or making bland shrimp. Look at it this way – at least now we don’t have to figure out what she/he is.

Until next time! Can’t wait to see more of Beardy Kevin and Brothers. Yessssss..!!

Top Chef ... VEGAS!!!

I'm back everyone. And so is Top Chef.. and in Sin City!

I'm not going to say much in this blog - I mean, the best part of Top Chef for me is a) the food but b) the crazy ass people on the show. Right now, they are all a blob to me and I don't know anyone's name.

This season seems crazy - TC seems to have focused on some DRAMA this season (perhaps they were inspired by the Hosea/Leah fiasco from last season). James Beard nominess... sibling rivalries... Lymphoma? Good god.

So I just watched the whole episode and I'm STILL not sure if Preeti is a boy or a girl. I'm inclined to say girl lesbian but jury's still out. Does anyone have any insight?

Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be any hotties, minus Mattin who is wearing a sharp red neckerchief. He looks a little gay though, but I think that might just be his European side coming out to say "Bonjour!"

I already love short, fat Eli who says he cooks because he is a fat kid. He backs up his theory by wearing a shirt with the word "Bacon" on it and a t-shirt with a picture of a steak on it within the first 10 minutes of the show. That's my type of boy!

The quickfire is to do a team mise-en-place which is basically prepping everything ... in this case, cleaning 5 lobsters, getting 2 chops of prime rib, peeling 30 prawns, and shucking 15 clams. The blue team rips through everything with a vengeance, mostly I would say because Mattin is ripping through those lobsters in a savage-like manner. The blue team takes the challenge easily and THEN they are told they have to now cook a dish featuring their prepped item for a chance to win *gasp* a $15,000 chip!

Long story short, Jen wins with a ceviche and I can already tell she's going to be a front runner for the women.

The elimination challenge is announced and they have to cook a meal based on their vices. Also Wolfgang Puck is the guest judge. I actually went to his restaurant not too long ago and honestly, was not impressed. The service was sloppy and the food was eh... not my favorite steak house in the city but definitely alright. You wouldn't know it by his judging though - he was brutal!

I can already tell when the judges are tasting the dishes that Kevin will win and he is the obvious front runner. He was one of the James Beard nominees so I'm not really surprised. Turns out, I'm right, he wins the elimination challenge! woot!

Now, for the bad news - they pull in Hector and his fried steak, Piercing Chick (whatever her name is) for her dry chicken breast, Jen for her poblano chillie with *blegh* seitan, and that crazy chicks bland scallop dish. Since Jen seems really desperate, I immediately peg that she's going to be sent home. What do you know? I'm completely right and she is packing her knives before I can "Don't ever use seitan again"

I'm stoked for this season and the show always inspires me to get cooking. Stay tuned for more posts in the near future!

The Blog has been resurrected ...

by Top Chef Vegas! I know it's been a long time since any entries but my digital camera broke and also, I'm sooo lazy. I actually did some cooking this weekend and I'll blog that later this week. Exciting right?

My Top Chef recaps will be posted tonight - I'll be wearing my I Heart Fabio shirt and shrieking like a little girl

Carmen meets Fabio (XOXOXOXOXOXO)

First of all I want to give hardcore (or "mad" if you will) props to my friend Michelle from work for understanding my deep-seated and inappropriate obsession with Reality TV stars and all things Top Chef. 

Here is a minute by minute recap of the moments leading up to what will now be known as "The Meeting of Fabio - One of the Best Moments Ever": 

10:03pm: Michelle (text): Talking to FABIO in person at Side Bar on 15th and Irving

10:04: Me (text): Tell him I'm his number 1 fan please have put him on the phone*

* Forgot to mention I took a tequila shot at 9:45pm

10:06: Michelle (text) : I did! 

10:06: Me (text): What did he say

10:07: Michelle calls me and tells me to come to Side Bar. When I request to speak to Fabio, she hangs up on me. 

10:08: Me (text): Call me and let me say hi please please please tell him I voted him fan fav 100 times

10:09: Me (text): Ur Killing me

10:10: Michelle (text): He is gorgeous

10:10: Me (text): U are killing me can u get a pic for me can you please put him on the phone

10:11: Michelle (text): He is openingf a restaurant here

10:13: Me (text): Omg why are you ignoring all my requests

10:15: Me (text): arghhhhhhhhh

10:16: Me (text): I'm yearning

10:51: Michelle (text): He is exactly how he is on the show

10:52: Me (text): You are dead to me

11:00: Michelle (text): Come here!!! 

11:01: Me (text) Are you actually with him

11:01: Me (text): I'll come if he's not gonna be gone when I get there and I can say hi

11:02: Michelle (text): He is staying until the end of the cust game. Where r u

11:04: Me (text): 2nd and 2nd do you think I can make it

11:05: Michelle (text): Comeright now!!!

11:06: Michelle (text): Like leave now.. I told him u love him and u would die to meet him... He is the nicest human being alive

11:06: Me (text): I'm coming now

11:06: Michelle (text): Hurry! 

11:07 Me (text): No seriously I just got in a cab and told the driver to step on it

11:09: Michelle (text): Come!

11:09: Me (text): Where is it exactly is the bar on 15th and Irving? Tell Him I NEED to meet him. 

11:09: Michelle (text): Its called side bar on the corner

11:10: Me (text): K ten minutes max please dont let him leave

11:10 Michelle (text): Ok! 

11:11: Me (text): I'm freaking out I'm so excited

 it's not even funny

11:11: Michelle (text): lol contain yourself

11:12: Michelle (text): hurry 

11:13: Michelle (text): He is going to prana after this

11:14: Me (text): I'm in Astor Place just tell him 5 more minutes please

11:14: Me (text): 1 min away 

11:15: Me (text): I'm outside they won't let people in

11:15: Michelle (text): He's about to walk out

11:16: Me (text):  Come out

11:16: Michelle (text): Just wait hes gonna come out

11:17: Michelle (text): He's walking out now

Michelle walks out 

Michelle: Did you see him? 

Me: WHAT ? NO! WHERE IS HE!

Michelle (points halfway down the block): He's right there! In the leather jacket! 

I take off running like an insane person ... I'm literally not even thinking how I'm gonna do this without looking mentally ill.  All I can think is, OMG if I don't talk to him I'm gonna go be so angry. I finally catch up to him (I'm also sweating profusely and almost in tears of happiness) and I say... 

Me: (I tap him on his arm from behind) Um... Fabio? 

Fabio: (turns around): yes? 

Me: Omg.. sorry. My friend Michelle? You met her? She said.. I could.. meet you? Hi! Sorry to bother you, I just love you, I voted for you 100 times for fan favorite.. I just.. wanted to meet you. 

Fabio: Wow - you're too kind. What's your name? 

Me: Carmen. 

Fabio: Thank you so much Carmen. That means a lot to me. 

Me: Would you mind if we took a picture? 

Fabio: Not at all. 

Me: Thanks! (to one of the girls he was with) Would you mind taking a picture? (I hand her my iPhone)

Lucky Ass Girl: No problem

Me: Sorry, you must think I'm crazy

Lucky Ass Girl: No worries! He's like our brother! Okay, 1, 2, 3 ... *click*

Me: Thank you SO much. 

Fabio: Thank you Carmen - so nice to meet you. 

Cut to me running back to Michelle freaking the fuck out for another 30 minutes and doing crazy happy dances. Biggest. Crush. EVER. 

Also, I can check something off my NY to-do list:

- Telling a Cab Driver to "Step on it" 

Next, I'm going to try to incorporate: "Follow that cab" - stay tuned for that one. 

In any case, as you can imagine, I'm glowing with excitement. I feel like I just got engaged or something. I love him and apparently, he's scouting restaurant space to open a joint in NYC. Maybe we will meet again. And maybe in the future, I can pretend to be a completely different person so he won't be reminded that I acted like a freak when we first met. 

And the villagers rejoice.. 

The Fabio Show = my wet dream

OMG, FABIO FROM TOP CHEF IS GETTING HIS OWN SHOW!

Everything is pretty hush-hush right now, but if I get to see this man at least once a week for the rest of my life, I'll be a happy girl. I can't imagine a husband or anything else making me any happier.

LOVE.

Jamie loves soup - SURPRISE!

Eater has a few bits on Life After Top Chef (for me, there is no life after Top Chef but whatever) - Jamie wants to be on TV! And do what? Be hugely negative? Act Lesbianic?

Oh hey, she also wants to start a small soup restaurant in NY! Surprised?! Next thin you know she'll start a small scallop restaurant.

Good luck Team Rainbow!

Cocky Chef - who else? Stefan.

So remember when Top Chefestant said he was opening a clothing line and we thought he was kidding? Well he's really not. According to Eater, this is not a test. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

You can visit Cocky Chef Clothing and look at all that Stefan's imagination has to offer. My favorite is this one:

Top Chef Reunites

So I was so stoked to see this episode. There sure isn't a lot to "recap" per se - I just wanted to highlight a few awesome moments:

- Patrick from Team Rainbow wearing an "I Love Foie" Tshirt - makes me wish he wasn't a horrible culinary student so we could have seen more of him
- Hosea still looks like he should be wearing a diaper and shaking a rattle
- Hosea said he's using his money towards "future investments". zzzzz...don't go crazy now! You wouldn't want to piss it all away on hair growth treatment or something
- The Team Europe montage was one of the best things I ever saw - it showed Fabio kissing Stefan's head like 100 times. God, I'm like totally in love with these guys.
- Carla montage = amazing
- Danny mentioned he had a 120 degree fever one time during his bday - he's already so red all the time! How much worse could it get!
- the Leah and Hosea controversy was finally NOT cleared up. All we know is they broke up with their sig others and would maybe date? we already knew that going in! I think Hosea may move to NY and then we can watch them suck face in Times Square and other equally disgusting locales.
- Leah and Jamie getting wasted was amazing. Now I really want to be on the show -you can be on reality TV, cook, AND get shit-faced. SOLD.
- Stefan's cockiness advice was amazing "You look in the mirror and say, 'you're the best' and that's it!" Done and done.
- BEST MOMENT EVER FABIO WINNING FAN FAVORITE. I swear I'm going to stalk him in LA. Looking up flights on expedia as we speak..

Sad, TC is now over and my life is over (not). Sorry I haven't been posting - work has been out of control. So much so that I have been eating Ramen and Eggs every night. i PROMISE you're getting a few more posts this week. PROMISE.

Watching Fabio on Ellen turned me into a puddle

I love him so much:

Top Chef Recap : Maybe this IS Top Pussy

So the very bittersweet end of Top Chef. With Fabio gone, I find writing this recaps a little harder since I don't have his nonsensical idioms to carry me. I guess this will be a true testament to my blogging, huh?

I've been through a lot of ups and downs with TC NY - I was excited for the finale but also am crapping myself thinking about not having this to watch every Wednesday. It's surprising what a pint of Ben and Jerry's and an episode of Top Chef can do for my mood.

We have all been on an emotional rollercoaster with this season - we watched Jill cook the dumbest thing possible - an ostrich egg. We watched the Foo Fighters pretend to know stuff about food. We watched Arianne jump up and down pantless at the Superbowl Challenge. We watched Fabio and Stefan fall in love but Stefan secretly have inappropriate hate homoeroticism towards Hosea. We watched Hosea and Leah play big spoon/little spoon (if spoons made out and cheated on their significant others) . AND we have been wondering for , oh about 3 weeks now, what the hell Carla modeled.

Nonetheless, the finale is something I've been stoked for for a few weeks now. The contestants are still in the big easy and the opening scene is Carla doing the upward dog yoga position directly in front of the camera. From that angle she looks like a happy, deranged, snake. I like it. Stefan mentions that Team Europe is broken up and he hates Hosea, blah blah blah. We get it! You want the camera crew to turn off the cameras so you can do him in butt. Let's move on.

Tom, Padma, and the infamous knife block are waiting for them. If you watch TC regularly, you'll know that the special sous-chefs are about to march on out. Will it be Celeb Chefs? Fabio? Nope, it's 2nd runner ups from previous season. Fuck man - there's Marcel or as I call him "Foam". Along with Foam are Casey and Richard. All likable except for Crazy "I'm not your bitch, bitch!" Marcel. Hosea gets to pick first and picks Richard. Stefan picks next and chooses Foam saying "he's a good chef - kind of a twat, but who's not?" - I think that may be the wisest thing anyone's ever said and television.

The challenge is to cook the best 3-course meal of their lives - dessert not necessary. Alright simple enough. The Cheftestants and the sous-chefs ransack the kitchen for proteins. Hosea runs in and literally grabs as much as his arms can hold to, let's face it, screw over his boyfriend Stefan. Stefan of course, gets totally pissed about the Foie Gras and Caviar. Nice steals Hosea.

Meanwhile, Carla is wanting to make a meat and potatoes dish. Casey seems to be driving this ship, telling her to sous-vide her meat. Carla has never heard of it and I'm wondering if this is gonna come to bit her in the ass later.

Tom comes back a little later with the inevitable twist - one more course! Well duh, they do this on every Bravo show.. circa Project Runway and Fashion Week. Was there any real surprise? The only big shocker is the protein they have to work with - either crab, red fish, or.. alligator? Sick... that is a real whole alligator! They have to pick pieces of a the king cake and whoever gets the baby wins. I doubt an irresponsible one-night stand guy would agree but hey, whatever.

Hosea gets the baby and takes the opportunity to stick it to Stefan - it's alligator time in Europe! Hosea gives the finger and Bravo blurs it out. Really though? You can't show the middle finger but you can let Fabio say "Top Pussy"? Sure thing.

Stefan makes the best out of his reptile and makes an alligator soup out of the tail. It's sicking me out. Seriously, it's a whole alligator. Both Stefan and Carla choose to make desserts. Carla lets Casey talk her into making a blue cheese souffle. Wow, that's bold. A souffle sounds like a risky and potentially bad choice. I wonder if Carla fanatics everywhere are making a voodoo doll of Casey and poking it repeatedly in the vagina.

The judges and guests are introduced - theres Rocco! FABIO!!! THERE's FABIO! OMGGGGGG I'VE MISSED YOU! Toby "Douchebag" Young is back. And oh hey, a random jazz musician. What's that guy doing here. What, Emeril couldn't make it? BAM!

The food is all served simultaneously - the editing makes it impossible to tell who likes what and everything appears to be neck and neck through the ceviche/carppachio dish. Josea's seasoning is blah, and Stefan's frozen/sliced carpacchio is watery. Alright. Go Carla! Might have spoke too soon though because the sous-vide beef was a mistake. The sirloin was tough and the judges saw right through the fact that Carla didn't come up with this cooking method on her own (feel free to continue to vag-poke Casey's voodoo doll). Meanwhile, the Jazz player is making awkward non-descript commentary and saying "foie gras" excessively. Not to mention, mispronouncing it. At this point I'm questioning how not autistic he is.

Stefan serves his squab and the judges so coo-coo for it. They loooove it! On the last course, Carla realizes her souffle is too hot and is bubbling - she chooses to scrap the souffle aspect and just basically serves an apple tart. This isn't going well for her. Hosea, the only person who didn't choose to do a dessert serves an apparently deliciously venison. The judges ask Fabio who they think did a better job. You can see Fabio is completely torn between how good the venison was and how much he loved team Europe. Instead of a hamster wheel inside of Fabio's head, I imagine Super Mario running back and forth frantically. He admits that the Venison is better and in my opinion, there goes Stefan's win.

At judges table, the grill the chetestants on their choices. Carla starts to tear up when they have to tell the judges why they should be the next top chef. I think she knows she fucked up by listening to Casey. Stefan obviously feels horrible and I see him actually acting like a human being and walks over to comfort her. At this point, I know Carla is not going to win and by Stefan being sweet to her, I start to silently pull for his win. Hosea has been annoying me for about half a season now and I'm over it.

The judges send them away and right away, they discount Carla. I feel bad - she pulled a Richard and just fucked the fuck up on the last challenge. RIP Carla. They discuss the pros and cons of dessert and I can tell they are leaning towards Hosea.

Padma brings the chefs back in and they are ready to announce the winner --- congratulations... HOSEA?! I yell fuck shitty fuck fuck fuck at my TV and immediately get 30 texts about how disappointing the results are. Uh, ya think? Best Season, WORST result. blah. So let me get this straight, Hosea gets to make out with Leah and win Top Chef? Someone sure drew the long straw.

Alright, next week is the tell all - I'm looking forward to Fabio winning Fan Favorite - hopefully. Cmon Bravo - redeem yourself somehow!

Top Chef at Craftsteak

I missed the entire crew of TC at Craft Steak yesterday for a screening they had -Carla, Stefan, Gail, Tom - the whole nine yards!

Hey Eater - why don't you tell me BEFORE so I can stalk them?

Excerpt:
Except for one lonely stray who wandered in by accident, everyone at Craftsteak last night circa 10pm, were Top Chef viewers screening the latest episode. The place was completely packed. The first peak moment commercial break was met with groans. Carla’s challenge victory was met with whoops and applause, which she complimented with a gracious bow/wave combo.

Top Chef Recap : Frowney Face

So I wake up in the morning with a huge smile on my face.. yes, it's Top Chef Wednesday! WOOHOOO! Or should I say "Hootie Hoo!"

Before it even starts, I'm thinking about Emeril and how he like to kick things up a notch constantly and then got worried that I'm the Sambal/Sriracha version of Emeril? I literally want to put it on everything. Should I come up with a catch pharse like BAM!? Maybe like.. Whomp - there it is?

Anyways, the show starts and I'm thinking, okay, Hosea may please leave. I love Carla and Fabio, and Stefan is too good even though he's an asshat, so the cheating baldie may be dismissed. They arrive at the Big Easy airport. Fabio is sporting a faux-hawk and a punchy pink scarf. This dude really likes to push the envelope of fashion. Maybe he got some tips from America's Next Top Carla.

Carla comes back with a barfalicious pink trench and straight hair - now there's the model that no one would sign! She immediately starts acting insane and dancing to crazy New Orleans music - doing a jerky chicken dance with a simultaneous "raise the roof" motion. I'm genuinely so happy to see her.

Stefan says "hi" to everyone and by "hi" I mean it looks like he is trying to makeout with Hosea. See? Here's the hate fuck shit I was talking about in the last recap. I can't wait for the porn video they make - I'm sure it'll be called something like "Baldies Gone Wild" or "Top Cum Shot"

They arrive at the QF Challenge where Padma, Tommy C., and Emeril are awaiting. Observant Carla realizes there are only 3 tables. Padma reveals there is a QF Challenge.. just not for them. Jamie, Jeff, and Leah are back! They are going to compete to get back into the competition and make it to the finale. I hate when shows do this. It's like fuck you. They left and I've made my peace - why do you have to do this? Do you know how long it took me to get over this? My husband, Fabio, clearly agrees as he says "GEEZ! Gimme a break!" I totes agree - we are perfect for each other...

Hosea is like ....awkward... Leah is back. Awkward we made out and I pretended to regret it. Awkward, she was making the bed in that last episode and everyone saw her boobs.

The QF Challenge is to create something with crawfish - Leah, surprise, has never made anything with crawfish. Remember how horrible she is with seafood? She's fucked. At this point I expect Jeff to make something with a million components and for Jamie to ask for scallops instead of crawfish. Jeff ends up making grits and says that he wishes Carla was his judge since she loves grits. Hey, we do too! That would be something I would pay to see.

The judges go around and taste the food - Jamie can't stop explaining her dish and why she did stuff. Ugh, I forgot how freakin annoying and negative she is. She was like, I felt like throwing up when I found out I had to compete again. Well duh, what the hell did you think this was? How about Thank you for bringing me back since I'm awful?

Man, I want Jeff to make it. His hair is so shiny and pretty. Also, I think he's hilariously metro.

The judges taste the food with a poker face. Let it be Jeff, Let it be Jeff, Let it be Jeff... IT's JEFF! WOO HOO! Emeril gives him a copy of "Emeril at the Grill"... um great? Are you sure you don't want to save the $19.95 and trip to Barnes and Noble? Thanks I guess?

Padma drops the bomb that for Jeff to go to the finale he most WIN the elimination challenge. Yikes. God Speed Jeffrey.

The (now) 5 chefs find out that their elimintation challenge is to cook at a Masquerade Ball - 2 dishes and a cocktail. I always get nervous about the catering shit since they have to transport their food to the event. Don't worry though - they have Glad containers. I think the advertising is working cause now I want 100.

The 5 Cheftestants go to dinner - no doy, Stefan and Hosea go at it. Stefan says it's not a butt rubbing contest. Wait, WHAAAAAAAAAAA?! Damnit. I've been watching the wrong show this whole time!? This isn't Top Butt Rub?

During the commericial break we find out that Fabio loves to cross-dress. Actually, YOU ALL knew that already due to my super informative blog and the pic I posted earlier this afternoon. He says it takes real balls to dress like a woman. How's that for an oxymoron world?

In the kitchen, the Chefs get to work. Jeff chooses to make sausage from scratch while I'm screaming at the TV, wondering why he would ever do something with so many effing steps. C'mon pretty boy! Have you learned nothing from TC? Fabio and his Mohawk are making 3 things and a cocktail - a Maque Choux, Pasta with Crayfish, and Bread. Both baldies are in a weird tete-a-tete gumbo war. While everyone is running around, Stefan is outside with a pack of Marlboros. Apparently he wants emphysema more than he wants the title of Top Chef. He's also annoying Hosea by holding up a droopy long sausage and asking him what it reminds him of. I want to tell him, a lot of things. Thanks for bringing back those memories buddy.

Tom comes in and asks his typical questions and is condescending and gives everyone negative and dubious looks. When did good ol' Tommy C get so negs? Jamie? Is that you?

Carla is shucking her face off since she doesn't know she can steam those suckers to open them up (even I know that). She also mentions that she doesn't drink and she's making a cranberry spritzer. Hang on - she doesn't drink? Why is so freaking weird then? All my theories are out the window. Maybe she's a recovering alcoholic. Or maybe Alcohol has a reverse effect on her. Like, when she drinks it, instead of blacking out and being crazy, she sits calmly and has normal conversations.

The judges arrive and as per usual, Padma's cleavage looks ready to judge. Oh! And there's Gail! I'm excited but apparently Carla is more excited -she's like giddy and saying "Girl! I love you!"

Everyone goes back to their last minute prep - Carla is just fucking giving away her equipment and still frantically shucking oysters. For the first time ever she seems semi-annoyed and asks for help. Stefan is like "Just a minute honey!" and Carla is like "That's what all men say - just a minute honey." Those are some daddy issues this IBP blogger is not going to touch.

The guest start to arrive and Fabio's crotch starts to get aroused - apparently the masquerade masks remind of him of old pornos. You know what else probably reminds him of old pornos? New pornos. That he watches. All the time.

The judges go around and taste the food - they have nothing but good things to say about everyones food. I guess that's what happens when Toby Young leaves the show. I know Fabio is fucked because Emeril thinks his food needs more heat. At this point I want to kick Emeril's face up a notch (through murder) and my palms are sweaty. They are going crazy for all the gumbo - I'm gonna need to seek out some good gumbo in the city see what all the fuss is about.

Back at Judges Table, Tom points out that Stefan seemed really cocky in the kitchen. Stefan goes "that's cause I'm a dick and whatever happens happens" (I added the "that's cause I'm a dick" part). They announce that Carla is the winner - she wins that Toyota! She's so touched that she starts to cry and for the first time acts normal. Who knew Carla had so many levels? Peel the onion girl, peel the onion.

That means Jeff hasn't won and he has to leave. I watch his golden hair leave the judge's table one last time. Bye Jeffrey...

Hosea is safe - he is in the finals. Fuck, this leaves my love Fabio and Stefan. I know Stefan won't go even though he deserves it. I silently pray to the food gods hoping for a pardon but as suspected, Fabio - please pack your knives and go.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

If you were to tell me that my heart would be broken by a man named Fabio, I never would have believed you. But alas, it has been. Fabio.. baby - I will be wearing your tshirt on finale night and will root for you for the Fan Favorite. xoxoxo forever...

More stuff on Fabio

It wouldn't be like me to find an article on Fabio and not post it out to the world.

Eater just posted an article with some fun facts about Fabio:

SPOTLIGHT ON ... FABIO VIVIANI

Age: 30.

Hometown: Florence, Italy.

Did he grow up eating good food? Yes. Lots of bread and pasta, whole milk, red meat, fish and veggies.

Favorite things to eat and drink:
Rib-eye steak; any fresh egg noodle pasta; a glass of cold whole milk
in the morning; a nice glass of red wine from the Chianti area at
night. "Everyday I drink three tablespoons extra virgin olive oil. I
haven't missed a day since I was 3 years old. My cholesterol is 137."

What he keeps in his kitchen:
Extra virgin olive oil, balsamic vinegar, fresh basil (he grows it),
heirloom tomatoes, dried De Cecco (brand) pasta, arborio rice.

Favorite dishes to cook/serve at his restaurant: Roasted mushroom risotto, butternut squash ravioli, dry-aged prime beef steaks. "I feed customers the way I like to eat."

Favorite junk foods:
Nutella (by the spoonful) and homemade rich chocolate gelato. "I dare
anybody to call Nutella junk, because I grew up with it." He eats only
Nutella imported from Italy (it is made with vegetable oil, not
hydrogenated oil like the product sold in the United States, he notes,
but it tastes the same).

Favorite gadget: A pair of tongs. "They are an extension of my own arm."

Pet peeve: When a restaurant customer complains on a Saturday night that the entree is
not served within 20 minutes of ordering. "Quality needs time," he says.

Food he dislikes: Cilantro.

Favorite restaurant: Il Pallaio, Florence, Italy, a typical rustic Italian trattoria.

Favorite cookbooks: "Jamie's Italy," by Jamie Oliver.

Hobbies: Growing produce, including tomatoes and herbs; fishing; riding his Ducati motorbike on Sundays.

Favorite music: Italian rock; Christmas songs.

The worst part of being a chef/restaurateur:
"If you really cook through the day and nighttime, you smell like fry
oil." But the best part is that if the restaurant is successful, you
can hire a chef "and he smells like fry oil."

Tips for a good life: "Eat a lot, laugh a lot, and have a lot of sex."

Two quick comments -he dislikes like cilantro? I feel like I've been shot in the heart with a tetanus infected arrow. I literally feel like two lovers are pulling me in opposite directions. Also, his tips for a good life - I love it. Especially the part about having lots of sex with me (Editor's note: I added the "with me" part)

Also, hi - best picture ever:

Top Chef Episode Streamer

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This is Top Chef, Not Top Pussy

I want to preface this recap with the fact that I am wearing an I heart Fabio T-shirt. I'm officially insane.

So, this is the last episode of Top Chef in NY before they shuttle the chefs over to New Orleans for the finale episodes. As you guys may know, I thought Jamie deserved the boot last week - this week I was rooting for Leah to get shucked since I'm still pissed she just gave the fuck up last week when filleting those fish.

First and foremost, I must discuss how Carla said she was a model. Are you kidding me Bravo? You're not gonna have her explain that shit? A model for WHAT? Those fake disguise glasses in old spy movies? On the other hand, I'm thrilled Carla is weird again - welcome back woman.

We find out the quickfire judge is Wylie Dufresne - I audibly groaned when I saw him since I'm not a fan of his work at all. I'm not big into molecular gastronomy and that whole aspect of cooking - it just reminds me of Richard from Top Chef Chicago with his smoker, asking everyone "Hey, do you like burritos?" I just don't like it.

The Challenge is to make something great with eggs - which Wylie literally said he loved so much I thought maybe he should get a room at the Hilton with a dozen of jumbo eggs. In fact, I believe he said he loved Egg Cookery - I wonder if that's something you say out loud and then think in your head "Wow I just sounded like a huge douche"

All the Chefs run around like crazy people making 2-3 components per dish. Josea makes this sick egg white sheet sushi thing that made me want to vom. I actually really liked Stefan's dish, which was like a panna cotta with an egg yolk in the middle - a play on a poched egg. It was a cool idea. Wylie goes around and tastes everyone's food - I can tell immediately that Fabio is royally fucked since they start playing that goofy music as Padma and Wylie taste his food. That music typically indicates FAIL. Sure enough, him, Josea, and Leah are on the bottom. Ultimately, Carla's crazy ass wins with her Dr. Seuss inspiration (case and point that Carla is bonkers - who gets inspired by Dr. Seuss?) - she makes a green eggs and ham play. Apparently she was shocked because Carla and Molecular Gastronomy are like oil and water - however, maybe her playful coaxing ("C'mon baby" x 100) brought the dish together. Who knows?

The Elimination Challenge starts with knife drawing - each has the name of a legendary chef on it (Marcus Samuelsson, Jaques Pepin, etc) - they have to prepare a "last supper" meal for these famous chefs. Carla's QF advantage is to trade with another chef but she's freaking out of her mind happy about the idea of cooking peas for Jacques Pepin (who is a dean at FCI) that she keeps her dish. Also, if you have this DVRed, you can watch Carla's crazy laugh over and over when she said that her and Jacques were two peas in a pod (very punny Crazy Lady).

They go to WF to do their shopping. Is it me or does it seem like Stefan and Josea want to hate fuck each other. I'm not sure but there is uncomfortable tension between the two of them thats 50% competitive hatred and 50% I want to spread your ass cheeks. Leah of course, pisses me off by asking a WF employee where the eggs and butter are. Are you fucking kidding me? Um, try the refrigerated area dumbass.

In any case, they go to Capitale (which is on the bowery and where I met Mr. Bill Clinton a few years back) - and almost immediately Fabio bends his finger all the way back and breaks it. When asked if he wanted to go to the hospital, he said he would rather cut off his finger and sear it on a flat top. MAN! That is aggressive! He's pretty down and out and I'm not gonna lie - it was pathetic watching him peel a potato with one good hand. He says something about being kicked in the ass so much that he poops shoes. Another great Fabio-ism for the books if anyone is keeping track.

Tommy C. comes into the kitchen before service and gives a horrible pep talk about how they shouldn't embarass him. The top tier panel of chefs tastes the food -it's apparent that Leah, Stefan, and Josea are on the bottom. Leah's Eggs Benedict were too watery and the hollandaise sauce was too thinned out. Josea made a tasty shrimp dish, but at the end of the day it just wasn't a proper scampi. Stefan is reamed for his over-cooked salmon - at this point I'm nervous for him - not that he's the nicest champ but he is certainly talented.

While the Cheftestants are in the stew room waiting for the judges to deliberate, Leah mentions how she can't imagine if she broke her hand. Then, out of no where, Fabio lays down his signature line with an inappropriate twist "This is Top Chef, Not Top Pussy!" --- can they say that on TV? Since when?

All the Cheftestants are called to the Judges Table and Fabio and Carla are sitting pretty on top. Fabio wins (WEEE~!) even though his salad looks like an airplane salad. I mean, that's what you get for using iceberg lettuce I guess. That said, Fabio is in the final 4.

Carla also receives a thumbs up into the Finale Four - I'm absolutely dying for Eater to write up their recap and have some animated GIF of Carla talking about how shes like the tortoise who wins the race , passing by the hare being like "SEE YA! SEE YA!" So hilarious.

At the end of the day, Leah goes home. No surprise there - she came in as one of my favorites and somehow became boring and apathetic. I'm not sure when that happened. Also, BravoTv.com posted an interview with Josea - him and his GF are no longer together cause things were not the same. Homewrecker!

Next week's previews look great - excited to see Emeril (BAM!) and also not surprised to see in the preview that he thought something needed more heat. More scenes of Josea being insecure... I wonder how this all turns out.. can't wait!

Carla as a Fraggle (I can't not post this)

Eater.com gives a hilarious recap of Top Chef every week and this week is no exception..

Excerpt:
Jamie and Carla mangle the sardines and are eliminated in the first round. In round two, Fab leaves too much flesh on the head (that's what no one said) and Leah just plain gives up on her arctic char. Gives up? This is Top Chef, not Top My Hands Are Sleepy. (Huh?) Chin up, girl. You're still in this, barely. The baldies get ready to face off in the final round. Did you know Hosea is the only male American chef still remaining in the competition? It's amazing he's done so well with all those disadvantages. A truly inspiring story. Hosea and Stefan try to psyche each other out by winking and blowing kisses at one another. I am always trying to psyche girls out in bars.

Impossible to not LOL at that.

Also, they posted this pic ... +1,000,000 points:















To update about Top Chef Season 6, Eater has got further details for us:

"You didn't hear it from me, but Top Chef season 6 is going to be taped at the new M Resort in Las Vegas. It is a far-far off-strip resort that is practically in Henderson. I think they're freaking out that they opened this big place in the middle of a recession and it's hard to pull tourists away from the strip to this place that's like half an hour away. So they made this deal to host Top Chef as a way of buying some cred."

Can you fellate fish?

Ah, thanks Grub Street for pointing out that it sounded like Eric Ripert said "“Fabio, the way you fellated the fish was not right”?

I laughed until I stopped.

Viva Las Vegas

Eater leaked that Top Chef Season 6 may be set in Las Vegas - that would be awesome. I'm sure we'll end up seeing a lot of Bobby Flay's cocky ass if that happens...

Plus I'm sure the cheftestants will be put through some crazy shit. Can't WAIT!

Top Chef Goes Fishing

I was excited about this episode because I kinda have a secret crush on Eric Ripert (shhhh.. I know.. I don't want to hear it) and he also knows his shit. Who wouldn't want to go to Le Bernardin and eat 6 amazing dishes with Eric Ripert (charming frenchman) and Tommy C (new nickname.. HOLLA!)?

The quickfire was actually really aptly timed since next week in Culinary School we are learning how to filet fish - I'm very excited since I'm completely intimidated by ocean creatures. Needless to say, the eel that was still halfway alive almost made me vom up my dinner.

I gotta say, every episode, I hold my breath for Fabio's sake. I mean, he was so effing cute with his wife...so much so that even though I'm picturing running her over with Monster Truck, I still find it really endearing. I wanna marry someone who calls me Amore? Is that too much to ask?

I'm gonna be completely honest -if I had been any of these chefs, I would have needed Depends and a wash cloth. I don't even like dicing onions in front of my culinary school chef.

That Hollandaise Lobster thing that Stefan recreated looked AMMMAZING. Plus, I now know from experience how freaking difficult it is to make hollandaise. Props and Hats off to German Stefan for ripping that skin of the eel and HAMMERING ITS HEAD TO A CHOPPING BLOCK AND winning the elimination challenge.

I was holding my breath as all the dishes were tasted - hoping Josea, Stefan, and Fabio would be in the clear and the other ones would go down in flames... well that's not necessarily true. I want Carla to stay but I like when she's in the bottom 3 because that's when she blurts out some crazy shit. Best comment hands down was when Eric Ripert referred to Jamie's salty-ass celery as "hardcore" - when I think of hardcore I think of bondage and low-budget porn, not a vegetable.

Also, a quick shout-out to classically trained chefs (especially French ones) - it made me feel validated for going to FCI. Maybe one day I will perfectly recreate Eric Ripert's dish as well. So bonus points to Crazy-Pants Carla. But hang on, I'm going to take away her bonus points and give her minus points since, hello, is it me or was she kinda normal this episode? I'm not settling for ehhhh food if I'm not getting googly eyes and "BADOWS!" every episode. I'm sorry but I'm just not.

In the end, I'm glad I saw Jamie go - I mean, she complains non-stop and she was being a ginormous Debbie Downer about the whole challenge. Don't let that rainbow flag hit you on the way out sir!

Next week looks insane - Fabio obviously injures himself and I hope he doesn't get sent home because of it. I want to see him go to the final four and do some amazing shiz.

Stay tuned guys and thanks for reading!

Top Chef almost made me crap my pants (spoiler alert)

WOW. Based on the previews, I was freaking the fuck out about Fabio staying on TC. I really was praying to the Top Chef gods the entire time, and went into deep psychological mind games with the teasers before the commercials. Example: They showed Fabio saying "OH NO!" that must mean that he WON'T be sent home because they wouldn't reveal that much in a teaser.. would they? WOULD THEY?!

As you can see I'm deeply commited to my Italian Stallion staying on the show although I'm pretty sure his days are numbered.

Jeff going home was definitely the right decision - he was literally the edible equivalent of a clusterfuck. I bet he's a great chef but honestly when you're racing the clock, that's probably not the best situation for someone who is disorganized and can't focus. If I had it my way Jamie would be packing her bags since I'm not a big fan of all her soups and seafoods. I WOULD say Carla should go but I can't because she cracks me up everytime I see her.

This episode especially had me at a constant snicker - here are some observations and quotes that had me going:

- Fabio: I am 30 years old and sleep in a bunky bed
- Fabio's mention of monkey ass and a banana. Seriously, what's his obsession? Is that his go-to PG swear word?
- WHERE THE HELL WERE ARIANE'S PANTS?! GET THIS COUGAR SOME PANTS!
- Carla's eyes getting googlier by the minute
- Andrew's letter to season 5 starting with "Dear Season 5"
- The "scoreboard" in the home team's kitchen said "Top Chefs" vs. "Douches"
- Fabio: This is not cooking.. this is rushing!
- Stephen's crush on every female ever

Ah, man - also, scenes from next week? Eric Ripert? I can't wait - he's obviously the most talented french chef, probably anywhere. Also, I can't wait to see them filet up that eel.